Is That a Breadstick in Your Pocket or are You Just Happy to See Me?

Bread Sticks Chilling like Doughy Wieners

   Errybody who knows me knows how much I enjoy a good board game. So we all decided it was board game night. I thought to myself "twat could I make for everybody?" Opened my book and found some breadsticks. Everyone loves wiener shaped foods that can be eaten by hand!
   This was the first time I really felt like I wasn't fucking up super hard. I mixed it all up with my hands and then transfered the dough to the counter. Now I'm not a very efficient or skilled dough kneader, but I think I'm starting to get it down pretty well. The book said to knead it for like 8-10 mins. It took me like 15. It's all good though cause I like kneading the dough. It zones me out and I mean it's fun to squish and smash and pull things.
   So after it passed the windowpane test (look it up yourselves if you wanna know that bad) I oiled up a bowl and put it in there to rest and ferment. I left it a little longer than I probably should have. oops. The dough was about 2 1/2 - 3 times larger instead of just doubled. I figured it didn't matter cause I was just making breadsticks out of it, and because I just didn't give a shit.
   I rolled out the dough and formed them into strips. I added sea salt and some garlic powder to most of them. One batch a put cinnamon sugar and pumpkin pie spice (just a little). I figured it's still kinda fallish so might as well. Baked them at 450 for about 10 minutes. I like soft breadsticks so I left them soft and slightly golden brown.

Basket-o-sticks and some wine for game night!

   Everyone came over and after an episode of Glee and Modern Family it was game time. We decided on the game of Life. Which is always just a ridiculous endeavor. I mean for real. Shit in that game can get so depressing so fast. And I love at the end you have to go to a nursing home when you retire and you loose all your fucking identity. So funny since one turn ago you were taking fucking vacations and in the prime of your life.  But anywhos... We drank wine and played games and ate probably a batch and a half of breadsticks. So I'm guessing they turned out all good. I mean I liked them, but it doesn't matter what I think, I just make the shit.

They Love Breadsticks in their Mouths. Sluts.

Slack Attack

   I am making bread I promise. But when you have advancedly aged grandparents and live at home, you don't exactly get to do whatever you want all day. So this last week hasn't been so hot for the bread baking. However, I am doing it and there will be more bloggery to come super soon.
   Whilst you are waiting with baited breath and uncontrolled excitement. I thought I would randomly begin quick simple posts of failed names of this blog. It wasn't always just going to be YB3... there were other saucy little names that almost made it. So here for your pleasure is the first of the failed names of my blog.

Failed blog name #1: Freshly Pinched Loaves... and yes, I did chuckle as I typed it.

Tuscan Bread to Yo Face

   So I was all like "Fuck yeah, Tuscan bread!" cause I'm Italian and got super excited about food as we do sometimes. I can definitely say that I dunno if it turned out right at all. It tastes okay, but it's not as open and airy as the Giant Eagle kind... but then again when I googled some images they mostly looked like mine does.  Well anywhooosss. Lets add a picture shall we (I didn't take as many this time... ya know, second time around... yadda yadda yadda)

Bread paste... I think it was thicker than it
was supposed to be. meh.

   The recipe last time called for poolish. this time around it called for bread paste. which basically is like cooking the flour with boiled water the night before. Mine was more solid than pastey, but then again paste could just mean water and flour for all I really know.
   Okay, next day(yesterday) I make the dough and do the claw hand thing again... seriously, fucking sweet! This time though I think i got the dough too wet, but the book said fuck it, you can add flour as you knead the dough. Which oohh my lawrd I obviously don't know how to do properly. I basically was just pushing and smacking the fucking dough all over the counter top. It looked stupid. Like I even stopped and said, I should probably look into these things before I do them. (Directions, Y chromosomes, they go hand in hand right?...) So after I knead the dough and leave it in a bowl to get all gassy like you uncle after thanksgiving, I divide the dough and attempt to shape them.

Proofing after I attempted to shape the dough
into batards. Key word, "attempted"

  Batards are basically like ovalish shaped bread. Mine have a pretty solid candy corn shape to them. Fuck up #3 for those of you playing along at home. They proofed on the counter for a little over an hour before it was time for some more Hearth bakeage. Steam, really hot temperature, and spray all over the walls... its like a gay bath house for bread.

Steam pan to blast yo ass with steam, duh

Sooo super hot

  Blasted the oven with the water blaster (its just a spray bottle, not that exciting!) then after 10 mins of baking I rotated them and removed the steam pan. I mean you can only be moist for so long before it gets boring... am I right ladies?? baked em for like 25ish minutes overall. Maybe a couple mins less or longer, not real positive, I was doing multiple things at the same time. BAM PICTURES!

Cooling down... looking good. Don't lick your
screen! Save that tongue for
someone special

Done. 

   Yinz (had to thrown one of those in there somewhere) notice how I take pictures of my bread in the same place when it's done?? Yeah, thats cause it looks all rustic and shit... well more rustic than the rest of my moms kitchen. This time though I threw a basil plant in there cause basil is awesome.
   Anyways, the bread. It looks real good, tastes okay. The reality is it's tuscan bread and has no salt or anything in it so it's kinda bland in the long run. Hence why we Italians eat sauce on fucking everything! Tuscan bread - done and did. What's next?? I dunno yet. I'm taking a couple days off bread making to go get wasted around the Pittsburgh area. I haven't drank since I started making bread and that my friends is the only down side to alla this. I should just get all fucked up while I bake. I mean Martha's gangster ass probably did.

 

(Un) Plan of Action

This is my ferret, Pooh Bear. He doesn't like that I'm
making bread and not playing with him.
Sorry, little dude.

   I have zero clues about how to proceed with this bread making. I was going to start at the beginning of the book and just go through it till it's done. However, there are breads I want to wait to make for certain occasions. Like christmas breads and what not (even though i really don't like a lot of christmas breads, fruit just doesn't get me all hot and steamy in my breads... except cinnamon raisin, so sexual!) So, I think i'll just bust a move when I get the sinister urge to rock a particular loaf.  Also, I might just do a little poll on the page and let you guys decide for me, like weekly or something. Maybe just when I have too many options and don't know what to do. Whoo knows? Only thing I know is I'm ready to keep breading it up hard!

  PS - Don't act like you aren't in love with that fuzzy little bastard to the left! Cause you is!

A Tale of Lost Virginity and Freshly Pinched Loaves.

   Guess who is no longer a Bread Baking virgin... This guy right here! And now that it's all over and the heat is no longer on and the sticky mess is all cleaned off my hands... and the floor... and the sink.... and the counter... and the cabinets... I can say it was awesome!

Poolish in a bowl... in case your eyes don't work.

   So I flipped through the book I bought and was just gonna start at the beginning and work my way though it. Maybe do some basic beginner bread baking stuff. Then I thought about it and decided fuck it, that's not how I roll! So I jumped into the middle and decided that my sherpa up the mountain of bread making would be a sexy ciabatta loaf.
   First I made a poolish. Which is what is in the bowl to the left.  Then I let that bitch sit on the counter for a few hours then I chilled her out in the fridge for a night to retard. Next day (today, the 26th) it was time to make the dough and start baking this shit!

The start of the dough about to get mixed up hard!

   Added the poolish to the flour and all the other shit and it is dough time. Some of these people (most of them, and they're probably smarter than me) are using mixers with bread hooks and bread machines and all kinds of fancy as fuck electronics. I'm not. I wanted to rock it old world style. I'm doing it all by hand.. which is real intense, but kinda fun. I get to do this fucking wet claw hand thing while spinning the bowl. Its pretty impressive. Trust me, you'd date me cause I can do this! Speaking of... I'm available... and easy! Anywho, I mix it all up and make a sticky ball-o-dough and then plop that bitch onto the counter that's all sprinkled with some flour. Then I get all kinds of domestically violent and start stretching and folding the dough.  Then just left it on the counter like I don't give a fuck about it... no worries, it's part of the process.

Chillin. Just fermentin and shit

   Lets skip ahead to the couche.. cause this is getting long, and I like the term couche cause it reminds me of the word douche. It's basically a towel all fucked up with oil and flour. It looks professional... so I like it. Then I baked them using a hearth baking method. Steaming shit at 500 degrees is sweet! However, I don't have a baking stone (christmas present idea!!). How about some pictures?!

Don't forget to couche!

So long story short (too late) I cooled them and ate them. here is the rest of the process in the pictures.

Cool down time

Floury as fuck. I got excited, sorry

 I cracked it open and it tasted pretty awesome. Without the baking stone the bottom of my bread didn't get crusty really... but it wasn't raw so that's all good. The crumb looks better than I thought it would turn out. Not as many open air pockets and stuff as it should probably have but I don't care. I JUST FUCKING MADE BREAD BY HAND LIKE A BOSS!!

Cut it. Ate it. Good

Tomorrow... Tuscan Bread. Bet I screw it up?? So do I. Check back for all the action!

The Adventure Begins!

   It all began last week when I was watching Giada at Home for hours. About 2 hours in, she had a guest on the show who is a bread baker in France somewhere. I would figure it out to be historically accurate in this post but the reality is that I just don't give a shit at the moment and it doesn't fully matter. If you feel sleuthy you can research it yourself. Here i'll help. She was French, Dark haired, Makes some kind of roundish bread that's been around for years, it has a "P" on it... got it? good. Go get your detective sauce on!
   Anyways, she was getting all deep about bread and talking about the dough like it's a fucking human and it hit me. I JUST WANNA BAKE BREAD ALL FUCKING DAY! At least I think I do at this moment...
   Cut to Monday: After spending the weekend with my two good friends who did nothing but encourage my ridiculous bread baking ramblings (People who spend a lot of time with me know better than to encourage my newest obsession, which changes every couple days) I found myself at Barnes and Noble. This isn't anything new... I go there almost every other day. (Mainly to get my coffee buzz on, but it also makes me feel really calm... and there are sometimes some gays there to creep on. Which is always nice.) I found a book that was too expensive (no worries I'm a member so I got a discount!) with nice pictures and just the right amount of pretension and talked myself into buying it. 
  Tuesday: Grocery Store trip! baking isle - Me and like 4 middle aged women who were looking super intense about confectioners sugar. 25 minutes and more money than I should be spending right now later I was home and there was only one thing left to do... make a mess in the kitchen!